22歳のトランスジェンダーの2年間の変化の軌跡

「当時はすべてが灰色だった。私は死んでいないだけで、本当の意味で生きてはいなかった」とかつての自分自身について語る22歳のテイラーは、割り当てられた性ではなく、女性として生きることを選択したトランスジェンダー。 2018年にホルモン補充療法を開始しました。

それから2年、彼女は自分の変化を写真で記録してきました。ホルモン補充療法を始めた2年前の写真と、最近のピンク色のカーリーヘアの彼女の写真を見比べれば、テイラーが外見だけでなく、内面まですっかり変貌したことがわかるでしょう。

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My last 4 years of college ✨⁣ ⁣ Was going through some old pictures this morning and ended up making myself giddy 😁 ⁣ ⁣ • 𝐓𝐨𝐩 𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭: 2 months after starting at @coloradoschoolofmines, heavily depressed, heavily in denial, struggling to find motivation or joy⁣ ⁣ • 𝐓𝐨𝐩 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭: several months after coming out as "gay" (wasn't into guys but I wanted to be able to present femme… that's how it works right?), also several months after starting to wear makeup daily⁣ ⁣ • 𝐁𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐨𝐦 𝐥𝐞𝐟𝐭: first day going full time, 5 months HRT, terrified, nervous, uncomfortable, and BEYOND excited to be starting a new chapter of my life. Still scared of my future and struggling with motivation though…⁣ ⁣ • 𝐁𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐨𝐦 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭: HI IT'S ME! Confident! Happy! Enjoying life! (like… you can do that?) Finally done dreading my future. Motivation at an all time high. Excited to start each day and I finally have my passion for learning back 🤓⁣ ⁣ I basically started transitioning before I ever knew I wanted to. College has been really damn hard, and moreso because of transition than the actual engineering courses. ⁣ ⁣ There was lots of fear and sadness and tears and confusion but it has all been so so worth it 💖⁣ ⁣ If you're only beginning this part of your life, it's going to be really fucking hard, but just keep reminding yourself that diamonds are formed under pressure. It's all worth it in the end 🥰⁣ ⁣ "𝘈 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱 𝘪𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘣𝘰𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘦, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘣𝘶𝘪𝘭𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳." ⁣ – John A. Shed⁣ ⁣ ⁣ —⁣ ⁣ #trans #transitiontimeline #beforeandafter #transgirl #thisiswhattranslookslike #mtf #transpositivity #engineeringstudent #coloradoschoolofmines #lgbt #queer #curlyhair #transition #hrt #estrogenislit #progressnotperfection

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米国コロラド出身のテイラーは大学に入学しましたが、気持ちが沈みがちで自信を持つことができず、生きる意欲や喜びを感じることが難しいと感じていました。常に自分の中で何かと葛藤していたのです。

テイラーはまだ自分がトランスジェンダーだと気づいていませんでした。そのため、男性としての自分に自信を持てれば不安が消えるのではないかと考え、あごひげを生やし、男らしく見せるため筋トレやエクササイズまで始めたそうです。

でも男性的になればなるほど違和感は増し、「本物の男性のように振る舞い、本物の男性がするようなことをするほど、自分が偽物であるように感じた」と言います。

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HEY so this is cool!! 😁⁣ ⁣ I threw on a cami for a bit last night and was messing around and all of a sudden I realized HOLY MOLY MY ARMS ARE SMOL 😱⁣ ⁣ My arms have by far been my biggest sources of dysphoria. I didn't think they'd changed much at all since I started HRT. I notice them nearly every day. ⁣ ⁣ Sadly, I went through a phase for a couple years where I decided I must not be trying hard enough to be a guy. I knew I wanted to act and present more femininely, but obviously that was wrong. ⁣ ⁣ So I grew out my beard and started lifting, etc. My close friends at the time all lifted, and masculinity seemed to come so easy for them, so I figured I was on the right track. ⁣ ⁣ But, and I'm gonna keep saying this, cis boys don't wish they were girls 👏 ⁣ By the time I stopped lifting I could max 185 lbs on bench press and had been going to the gym most days of the week. I started feeling better and healthier after a lifetime of obesity, but every time I noticed my muscles growing it bugged me. ⁣ ⁣ I've spent the entire last year waiting for HRT to do something, 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨, to shrink my arms. I've been thrilled with face changes and getting some curves, but I was convinced my arms were basically the same size as when I started. ⁣ ⁣ But hey! ⁣ ⁣ They're not!⁣ ⁣ Really glad I made this pic. I'd recommend this to any trans peeps who don't think anything is changing. Sometimes your mind doesn't let you see anything different 😊⁣ ⁣ —⁣ ⁣ #transitiontuesday #transformationtuesday #trans #progress #beforeandafter #mtf #transition #transgirl #thisiswhattranslookslike #dysphoria #transgender #girlslikeus #curls #transvisibility #transitiontimeline #lgbt #curlyhair #lesbian

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そしてテイラーはついに自分自身を発見しました。自分が女性らしい外見を好むだけでなく、トランスジェンダーであることを受け入れたのです。そして彼女は人生を変える一歩を踏み出しました。ホルモン療法を始めたのです。

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As you can see, I was a very 𝘴𝘶𝘢𝘷𝘦 man 😌😂⁣ ⁣ Very confident in my body⁣ ⁣ Very sure of myself⁣ ⁣ I mean, the dangerously high levels of self-esteem were just written across my face 🤦‍♀️⁣ ⁣ Yeah, so like… no 😂⁣ ⁣ This is why people transition. ⁣ ⁣ This is why HRT saves lives. ⁣ ⁣ It baffles me how anyone could look at someone pre/post-transition and think we have literally any other option…⁣ ⁣ …how someone could look into my dead eyes from 2 years ago, see the crushing awkwardness that I had grown into, or the fear and self-loathing written across my face, and still have the nerve to call me a man 😐⁣ ⁣ I can finally look at the pictures from this time in my life and see a somewhat decent looking guy, sure. ⁣ ⁣ I've rarely shown 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘰𝘯𝘦 pictures of myself from 2018 because, until very recently, part of me still identified with them. I could still see myself in them. ⁣ ⁣ Like I basically transitioned from a lumberjack to a twink after starting college 😂 It's easy to look at Mr. Lumberjack and think ok who tf is that 😁 The guy in this pic though? Not so much. ⁣ ⁣ But now??? 😍 ⁣ ⁣ I don't see some hideous disgusting monster anymore. I don't feel shame or regret from the past. I don't see 𝘮𝘦. ⁣ ⁣ Just someone who's broken 💔⁣ ⁣ Someone waiting for life to start, all the while wondering why it seemed everyone else's has 🥺⁣ ⁣ So yeah, I can see a decent looking guy in this photo. You win. I'll admit it. Cool? Cool. ⁣ ⁣ "You looked fine as a guy, why did you have to transition?"⁣ ⁣ This is why. The life in my eyes in the second pic is why.⁣ ⁣ Being handsome and broken are not mutually exclusive. Looking "fine" doesn't mean you are. ⁣ ⁣ I'm happy now. I'm whole. That's really all I care about. ⁣ ⁣ —⁣ ⁣ #transitiontuesday #transformationtuesday #beforeandafter #glowup #mtf #transitiontimeline #transfeminine #transegg #transwoman #thisiswhattranslookslike #curlyhair #pinkhair #queer #transawareness #transgirl

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「スタート直後から驚くほど大きな変化があった。エストロゲンを投与して数日後にはなにもかもが目に見えて変わっていった」。肉体的には、乳房が大きくなり、肌が柔らかくなってきました。

心理的な変化も顕著でした。「さまざまな色に初めて気づいたみたい。まるで微笑むことを初めて知ったような気分だった。自分の周りにある美しい木や花や草や石にどうしてこれまで気づかなかったのか不思議なくらい」。

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Transitioning was the single answer I was looking for… ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I spent years searching for answers. I knew there was something huge that needed addressing. It was on my mind constantly. I became obsessed with finding my Answer and doing everything I could to get more in touch with myself. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I tried therapy, journalling, meditation, yoga, mind altering substances, you name it. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I found a lot of answers over the last few years, and each time I was excited to have a solution, until days or weeks later when it would become clear that something was still so obviously wrong. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Then I finally came to terms with being trans. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I had my answer! ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Everything was fixed! Everything in my life that was wrong before was right now!⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Except… no it wasn't…⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ For the first couple of months, it certainly seemed that way. Everything was going great, I finally felt optimistic about my future, my grades went up dramatically, I actually wanted to connect with people again…⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ But figuring out my gender didn't mean figuring out my entire life. I've slowly been coming to terms with this over the last few weeks. I've still got bad habits, I still make poor decisions, and I haven't cured any mental illness just by transitioning. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Things are better, but they're not perfect. I can't expect one thing to answer all my questions. I have all the same problems I did before, I just addressed the biggest one. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ It sucks, but it means I can finally start getting better 💙⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ —⁣ ⁣ #transitiontuesday #transformationtuesday #trans #mtf #progressnotperfection #girlslikeus #thisiswhattranslookslike #lgbt #lesbian #beforeandafter #transgender #glowup #transgirl #transisbeautiful #transwoman #JewlzStories

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「色々な感情が出てきて…自分にこんな感情があるなんて知らなかった」とテイラー。彼女はポジティブであれネガティブであれ、自分の感情を抑える必要がなくなったことが嬉しいと言います。

彼女はトランスジェンダーとしての自分の変化についてこう語っています。「これまでずっとつけていた仮面がだんだん取れてきたような感じ。鏡に映る自分の姿が毎日どんどん好きになっていくの」

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Exactly 1 year between each of these pics 🥚🐣💃⁣ ⁣ I've been kinda discouraged with changes the last couple months. Ever since I (badly) cut my hair in February, I've been seeing that old face in the mirror, with or without makeup. ⁣ ⁣ I hadn't even worn that dress since I got it. Last time I did I ended up in tears 😢 It didn't fit quite right and all I could see was my massive arms and shoulders. ⁣ ⁣ After dolling myself up the other night though… omgosh 🥰 no dysphoria, no ugly guy in the mirror, maybe a couple tears but for very different reasons 😁⁣ ⁣ I felt more myself than I've felt in a while 🥺⁣ ⁣ I decided it might be cool to compare it with the last 2 years, and the differences seem undeniable 😳 ⁣ ⁣ This is April 27th, 2018, 2019, and 2020. I remember the middle pic like it was yesterday, but the old one seems like a lifetime ago. ⁣ ⁣ If you're feeling dysphoric and scared that changes aren't happening, just remind yourself that they don't come every day. ⁣ ⁣ I know how hard it can be to be patient, but transition is a marathon, not a sprint 😉 ⁣ ⁣ Just hang in there and remind yourself of how far you've come. Even if you're pre-transition, just finding the strength to admit who you are and decide to start this journey is 𝘢 𝘭𝘰𝘵. You're still further than you've ever been 💕⁣ ⁣ —⁣ ⁣ #transitiontuesday #transformationtuesday #transgirl #glowup #progressnotperfection #trans #transwoman #lgbt #beforeandafter #girlslikeus #transpride #thisiswhattranslookslike #transawareness #curlyhair #transgender #wontbeerased #inkedgirls

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彼女はTayloraveという名前でInstagramに自身の変化を記録し続けています。生化学を勉強中の彼女は、卒業を前にして、同じくトランスジェンダーのジェシカと婚約しました。性転換手術はまだ受けていません。

テイラーは自分の決断が正しかったと確信しています。「端的に言えば、今の私は『本物』。幸せだし、自分は間違っていないと感じている。そして、本物の人間として生きられることに満足し、感謝している」

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soooooo… something happened 👰💍👰 (I said yes 🥰)⁣ ⁣ I fell in love with this girl just a few days after we started chatting. ⁣ ⁣ I realized I wanted to marry her almost a year ago, only two days after I stepped off the plane in Sydney. We were just at a grocery store. It wasn't supposed to be anything special. ⁣ ⁣ But I just gazed at her, almost in a trance, as she skipped through the aisles, giggling and cracking jokes and bumping into me, and I realized I'd never had that much fun. Ever. It was just groceries on a normal Saturday morning… but I never wanted to leave 😭⁣ ⁣ Leaving her arms to get back on that awful plane was the hardest thing I've ever done… I didn't sleep a second of that entire 14 hour flight. I spent most of it in tears. I'd never felt pain like I did that day 😞⁣ ⁣ So we went back to living our lives on separate sides of the planet, planning our future and making preparations to move in together, but we're sick of waiting ⁣ ⁣ So screw it!⁣ ⁣ We wanna spend the rest of our lives together, we've known for a while now, so we're taking a little power back from this terrible pandemic. ⁣ ⁣ Jess, I love you more than I thought I could ever love anyone or anything. ⁣ ⁣ I love that I have someone I can share everything with. I love that I spend so many of my days now laughing and smiling and groaning and rolling my eyes and crying tears of joy. I love that I have someone who helps me be a better person, but who doesn't push me to change who I am. ⁣ ⁣ I hate that we're stuck apart, and I don't know when that'll change, but I know that I'll always have you 💕 ⁣ ⁣ You're my best friend and the love of my life. You have been for a long time now, and you will be for a hell of a lot longer.

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男性時代の残念そうな表情から一転、水を得た魚のように生き生きとした表情になったテイラー。違和感のないアイデンティティに近づいているようで良かったですね。女性から男性へと変容したジェイミーのストーリーもご覧ください。